5 Things Ive Learned About Dating From Doing It With Ulcerative Colitis – Cosmopolitan

At five years old, I woke up from a colonoscopy completely unaware that my life was about to change forever. A diagnosis of ulcerative colitis awaited me and would alter my future in ways I couldnt have imagined. A chronic inflammatory bowel disease that causes inflammation in the digestive tract and can include a variety of GI-related symptoms that may range from mild to severe, this diagnosis has led to 22 years of appointments, medications, and surgeries, including the removal of my large intestine. While manageable, it is a condition that affects pretty much every aspect of my life, from needing accommodations to participate in daily activities to navigating fatigue. And yes, it affects my

While boys were the furthest thing from my mind as a newly diagnosed kindergartner, I did eventually begin to wonder what IBD would mean for my romantic future once crushes and boyfriends started to enter the picture. Hot girls with stomach problems had yet to enter the zeitgeist, and inflammatory bowel disease didnt seem to fit into the Teenage Dream image Katy Perry had us all idolizing in the early 2010s. Even if I did find the romantic interest of my own teenage dream, how would I explain my symptoms to them?

Rest assured, as the years went on I went through my fair share of crushesboth real and celebrity. I had the first boyfriend and the Hollywood first kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel. In college, the dating scene shifted from carnivals and school dances to fraternity parties and dating apps. And all the while, I was navigating my life with this disability. Im far from alone. According to the Crohns & Colitis Foundation, these diseases impact 1 in 100 peoplewhich, yeah, means theres a good chance you know (or have even dated) some of us. And yet, thanks to lingering shame and stigma surrounding both chronic illness and anything having to do with guts and butts, it remains something we rarely talk aboutespecially when it comes to sex and dating.

Spoiler alert, people with all kinds of chronic conditions, including mine, have thriving love lives. And while IBD has added some unique challenges to the already complicated business of dating in your 20s, Ive learned a lot from the frontlines of dating as a young woman with a disability. Whether youre navigating your own love life with ulcerative colitis, dating someone with a chronic condition, or just here to learn, these are five key truths about dating with a disability that everyone can take a few notes from.

While dishing the details about inflammatory bowel disease may not seem like the sexiest first date ice-breaker, Ive found that telling any prospective partners that I have ulcerative colitis early on is important. While some people share that they have a disability right in their dating app bios, Ive always preferred to bring it up on the first date. Talking about it IRL lets me see how the person reacts to my disability. If they seem put-off or say something offensive, I know right off the bat I wont even consider giving them a second date.

In case you havent noticed, dating is, shall we say, a process for pretty much everyone. This is also true as someone with a disability. Like most women navigating the dating scene these days, Ive had both dream dates and nightmaresincluding the time a guy literally dumped me two days before Valentines Day because my UC flared up, only to reappear two days later asking for another chance. (Surprise, he did not get one.) My biggest takeaway from the horror stories is that knowing yourself and what youre looking for in a relationship is paramount when dating with a disability. Ive now been in a long-term relationship for eight years, but only after learning from all the bad dates that came before it.

Okay, so this one applies to everyone, period. But with a disability, I have to be especially vocal about what I can eat on a date, when and where were going, and what I am physically able to do. If I am in a flare, certain foods are not even a possibility and I need access to a bathroom at all timeswhich means a seemingly romantic outdoor picnic could be my worst nightmare.

Setting these clear boundaries not only allows me to enjoy myself and make the most of my time with a date, but it also ensures my health and safety. This also means I have to be with someone I can trust to respect my needs and plan accordingly, without making it feel like a burden. A man who is creative, considerate, and flexible when it comes to planning datesregardless of whether Im sick or healthyis way sexier than one who relies on me to plan around my condition.

In 22 years as a patient, I have found that the most important resource Ive had on my side is my strong support network of friends and familyand their positive influence has extended to my dating life, as well. Last year, my boyfriend and I traveled to see my friend, a fellow patient, and her husband. It ended up being one of our best weekend trips to date, and the support we have both within and outside the relationship is deeper because of it. I have also brought my boyfriend with me to the Crohns & Colitis Foundations Team Challenge Events, where he was able to meet and engage with other people tied to the illness and broaden his understanding of this condition and community and how it affects both my life and our relationship.

I write this as a Southern woman for whom the words wait, until, and marriage were pretty much the extent of my sex ed. Take it from me: Talking openly about sex with your partner is pretty much Step 1 when it comes to fostering a healthy sex life. And while some of those conversations may look different for inter-abled couples, theyre no less important. Physically, what you are able to do in bed will depend on how youre feeling. When I am healthy, intimacy and sex is a very different conversation. Regardless, having those talks is crucial for a healthy relationship.

It is also important that you can be open with your physician about sex so you can better communicate with your partner. Being diagnosed so young meant that managing my sex life in the context of my condition was not a topic anyone thought to bring up, and its one I wish had been shared at an appropriate age.

Most importantly, I want everyone reading this to know that just because a person has a disability does not mean they dont have a healthy sex life! This is a misconception that I hear from able-bodied peers, and its just that: a misconception. If anything, navigating the unique challenges of dating with UC has only made me a stronger, more confident communicator who knows exactly what she wants and needs from a relationship and isnt afraid to ask for itwhich, if you ask me, is a recipe for romantic success regardless of any diagnosis.

Catherine Wicker is a community organizer who focuses on building power in local communities. You can also find her crafting, reading, or spending a day on the lake.

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5 Things Ive Learned About Dating From Doing It With Ulcerative Colitis - Cosmopolitan