Inspired by Kevin Love, on World Mental Health Day I share my story – cleveland.com

CLEVELAND, Ohio Over the past five years, Ive been lucky enough to work near Kevin Love.

I use the word near purposely.

In covering the Cavaliers for cleveland.com, and specifically for our social media team, Im obviously not part of the Cavs so I cant say I work with him.

But I do work near him. For three years, I was probably the tall weird lanky reporter with tall hair who would awkwardly come over to his locker and chat him up about the latest Curb Your Enthusiasm episode or a favorite part of Seinfeld.

He answered my questions at news conferences and during occasional one-on-one sessions.

Nearly two years ago, however, Love wrote an article on The Players Tribune entitled, Everyone Is Going Through Something." In the piece, he details dealing with depression and anxiety going to back to his childhood, as well as suffering panic attacks during the Cavaliers 2017-18 season that forced him to leave games.

The piece resonated strongly. It was a difficult and brave journey for Love to take, becoming one of the first NBA players and superstars to discuss mental health through a very public medium. It would lead to Love becoming a leading voice for mental health awareness with appearances on national TV shows, magazines, newspapers and the like.

Following the piece, Love tweeted an email address and asked people to share their mental illness stories with him, promising he would read every one.

I sent a message, though Im not sure he read it. Alas, this is the message I sent Love, word for word. I share it because I know, as Love titled his piece, everyone is going through something.

Kevin,

This is Hayden Grove from cleveland.com. Im pretty sure you dont know me by name, but I cover you guys (the Cavs) with Joe and Chris for our social media channels. More specifically, Im the tall, lanky guy often in a puffy black coat that sometimes talks with you about Seinfeld, Curb, etc.

I read your piece today and, like most, applaud your courage and willingness to share your story with a worldwide audience. Im sure it took tremendous bravery, as you mentioned in the piece, to say such things in the world that you live in.

Upon seeing your follow-up tweet, I figured I would share my own story with you. Im relatively open about it, but dont really feel that Im ready to publish the story on an outlet such as ours at cleveland.com or yours.

For 17 years, my life was pretty great. I was a decent athlete, had a lot of great friends and a wonderful family that was beyond supportive of my dreams.

Entering the second semester of my senior year of high school, however, my mind went dark.

It came out of nowhere, really. I would just wake up with this feeling of dread that Id have to face the world that day. It was a pretty darn good world for me too, which made even less sense as to why I didnt want to go out into it.

For a while, I tried to shake the feeling, but pretty soon, my friends and family noticed that I wasnt myself. My smile was gone as was the playful attitude I carried my whole life. Behind the scenes, I wasnt eating and was crying to myself quite a bit if any little thing upset me.

It all came to a head when I was supposed to take a college visit, which meant traveling on a plane. Id never loved flying, but never really had an issue with it until this given day. I had a panic attack, much like the one you described, and refused to leave my bed to get on the plane. The dread of facing the world and the fear of something happening on the plane was too much for me to bear.

It was then that my parents called upon a psychiatrist to help me.

And the help worked. Talking to the doctor and taking prescribed medication for what was diagnosed as depression got me to a place where I at least began to resemble my old self.

Fast-forward two years and I was a sophomore at Ohio State, feeling good and loving life. I thought I was cured and figured that I could stop taking my medicine.

I was fine for a while, but slowly something happened.

I felt different this time around. I became very obsessive obsessive about my routine, about my work at the student newspaper, about my weight (which I was trying to keep off), about my grades and much more.

Again, I wouldnt eat, but this time it was by choice. Having struggled my whole life with my weight, I learned through the years how to eat to stay relatively thin. This time, however, I competed with myself to see how much weight I could lose. It became my only obsession.

It got to the point where I was working out two hours a day and eating maybe 800 calories just so that I wouldnt pass out.

When I came home for Christmas, I barely laid eyes on my parents before they sent me to my psychiatrist and to another doctor. At 6-foot-3, I weighed 159 pounds. Worse? I thought I looked good.

I was diagnosed with anorexia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Basically, I was told that my mind isnt one that can go without medication. I dont produce enough serotonin to have a happy mind on my own.

So, without hesitation, I started taking the medication.

Since then, six years ago or so, Ive been doing very well. Im healthy both in my mind and in my body and Ive come to appreciate the many things that Ive been blessed with in my life. If anything, thats what my mental health issues have made me: grateful. I know how incredibly awful I felt when not well, so to feel well day in and day out is a blessing.

I hope that you too can get to a very happy and normal place in your life and that you can stay in that place forever.

I know my journey still has its ups and downs, as will yours, but sharing stories as you did helps me to understand that Im not the only one dealing with these issues. It brings a definite sense of comfort.

Thank you, again, for your tremendous courage and I sincerely hope that my story helps you through your journey in some way shape or form.

All the best to you.

Though I still am unsure as to whether or not he read the message, Im sure now that he knows my name and maybe even a little more than me being the awkward guy with the puffy coat.

And now you know my story of struggle with mental health, which felt right to share with Love as an inspiration.

This story isnt one I share for pity Im one of the lucky ones that seems to have a pretty tight grasp on my affliction and how to deal with it.

Its one I share for two reasons.

First and foremost, theres one person out there thats going to read this and its going to help them.

Sure, it may only be one, but helping that individual to overcome the stigma or even mental illness itself is enough for me to share the story.

No one should have to struggle through mental illness alone and afraid. For a time, I did. It wasnt the fault of anyone, nor my own. I simply didnt know what was wrong and therefore didnt know how to reach out to anyone about it.

Once my parents had an inkling, they were nothing but the most supportive and loving human beings that Ive always known.

Some, however, dont have that luxury, hence this post. You are not alone.

Hopefully it helps more than one, but one is enough.

The second reason I share this is to thank Love for helping to give me the courage to finally share this story with a wide audience. If an NBA superstar can share his truth and hope to inspire, while also rendering himself somewhat vulnerable to the volatile and vicious world we live in, why cant I?

Just because these stories are being shared doesnt mean your story has to be publicized. That said, hopefully the more stories that become public, the less stigma there will be regarding the rampant nature of mental illness.

If youre reading this and feeling many of the same things, know youre not alone. Know you can find a way through the darkness.

I wouldnt wish mental illness upon anyone. It can paint a world thats meant to be beautiful into a dark desolate hellscape.

Ill finish with this.

I was told once that your happiness is your responsibility. No one else will be able to find it for you. Only you can find it for yourself.

Hopefully this story and others will inspire you to go find it.

Note: If youre in need of mental health care, there are plenty of options in Northeast Ohio, including Mental Health Services in Cuyahoga County, Mental Health Services Board, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Greater Cleveland and The Nord Center.

Get Browns, Indians, Cavs and Buckeyes insider texts in your phone from Hayden Grove: Weve engaged with each other plenty through my coverage on Facebook Live, and we can get to know each other even better on the more friendly platform of Project Text. Its just $3.99 a month, which works out to about 13 cents a day. Learn more and sign up here.

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Inspired by Kevin Love, on World Mental Health Day I share my story - cleveland.com