JACK PARKS: Basic chemistry on a conspiracy – The Albany Herald

Greetings, Jackolytes! Once again I must apologize for the long time between communications, but my time has been occupied with important research. I am writing to you today from a secret location and am transmitting it to the editors through an encrypted system because this information is potentially dangerous. But in the interest of the safety and well-being of every other person in this city, I must take the risk to myself and my family.

As I said, I have been doing some extensive research, specifically into local environmental concerns. I dont put much stock into conspiracy theories. But someone (who will remain nameless) alerted me to a potential threat and, since I trust this person, I felt it warranted some attention. I also have a passing knowledge of basic chemistry.

At least, I gained enough knowledge to pass Intro to Chemistry in high school. So I put what knowledge I retained to the test and did some digging. And I have discovered one whopper of a secret: Our water system has been contaminated with extremely high concentrations of a chemical known as hydric acid chemical name: dihydrogen-monoxide.

I know I use humor a lot, but I am not kidding about this. Information about dihydrogen-monoxide is freely available from legitimate scientific sources, and I encourage you to educate yourself. The dangers of this chemical are innumerable, but I will list several for you here so you can begin to get an idea of what were dealing with.

Dihydrogen-monoxide has a pH level of 7, more than three times higher than hydrochloric acid.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is one of the main contributors to acid rain and the greenhouse effect.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is used in car batteries.

Dihydrogen-monoxide can be especially dangerous during space travel, so all astronaut food goes through special processing to remove it.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is composed of two elements that are highly unstable and prone to explosive combustion.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is released into the atmosphere by airplanes in visible lines known as contrails.

Dihydrogen-monoxide can cause severe burns when vaporized.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is deadly when inhaled even in very small amounts.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is added to vaccines.

Dihydrogen-monoxide was the most abundant chemical found after the BP oil spill.

Dihydrogen-monoxide passes through even the highest quality filters.

Dihydrogen-monoxide cannot be washed off.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is so corrosive, it eats through iron, steel and stone.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is a waste product from nuclear power plants.

Dihydrogen-monoxide causes electrical failures and decreases the effectiveness of automobile brakes.

Dihydrogen-monoxide is used as both an industrial solvent and coolant.

And it is in our water.

Actually, it is our water. The chemical formula for di(2)hydrogen-mon(1)oxide is H2O. April Fools!

By the way, every item listed above is 100 percent true. Go back and read it again, but substitute water in place of dihydrogen-monoxide. Doesnt seem so scary now, does it? More just a list of interesting facts about water.

So many things these days are misunderstood just because they have names that are hard to pronounce. But just because something is referred to by its chemical name doesnt mean its any worse for you.

The truth is, everything is made up of chemicals. Chemicals are just molecules, and molecules are made up of different elements. And molecules can have very different properties than their base elements.

For instance, sodium is a metal that explodes in water. Chlorine is a poisonous gas. But the molecule sodium chloride is salt, which plays an essential part in keeping your body hydrated, as well as making food taste good. Like ketchup.

Seriously. Have you ever had salt-free ketchup? If not, you dont need to find out what youre missing. I tried it once. Suffice it to say that was one hot dog I ate plain. The point Im trying to make is that I can recommend avoiding salt-free ketchup because I have experience with it.

Its ironic that one of the biggest threats to the so-called Information Age is actually misinformation. People with no degree or experience are often treated as experts simply because they write well and have a unique style, lots of followers, or just because what they say challenges the mainstream.

Theres nothing wrong with questioning the mainstream. But if youre going to hold actual experts with years or decades of training and experience under a microscope, you should also do the same with those encouraging you to do so. The person encouraging you to question authority should be able to stand up to the same level of questioning.

Too often these people dont allow questions though. They either laugh them away, delete comments or even block people who challenge their words. Does that sound like someone who is honest? Someone who is dedicated to the truth? What reason do you have to trust these self-styled gurus any more than the ones they oppose?

You shouldnt be afraid of something youve never heard of before just because someone tells you that you should be. If you see something mentioned in an article or on a social network and you dont know what it is, take a few minutes to read about it from a neutral source. Educate yourself on it. Worst-case scenario, you have an interesting bit of trivia for the water cooler.

On the other hand, you just might learn how to think for yourself. Even more importantly, youll be able to show others how to think for themselves. So kick back, relax and enjoy an ice cold glass of dihydrogen-monoxide.

Its not like itll kill you.

Jack Parks writes Talk Nerdy to Me, an occasional column on nerd culture. Follow him on Twitter @tn2me.

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JACK PARKS: Basic chemistry on a conspiracy - The Albany Herald